View Full Version : the joke thread
lozzamouldy
10-11-2008, 08:40 PM
everyone loves a joke, and heres a place to share yours!
i heard one recently...
A professor at Texas A&M University is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response.” “Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic.” “But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says,
“Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have slept with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost?!? Sheeyit. From baaack there it sounded like you said ‘goats!’”.
Chovies
10-12-2008, 08:58 AM
Oldie but i like this one
Whats the definition of trust?
Two Cannibals going down on each other:cool:
Anthony
The Dying Start
10-12-2008, 10:43 AM
Hahaha, I like your style.
Ben reed
10-12-2008, 11:33 AM
i like your mums style
A catholic priest and a rabbi are watching a 10 year old kid bend over. The priest starts staring and says to the rabbi "Jees, I'd just love to screw that kid", to which the rabbi replies, "Screw him out of what..?"
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What do the ASX and the olympics have in common?
Syncronised Diving.
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What do you call an investment banker that irons five shirts on a sunday night?
Optimistic.
mattheal
10-12-2008, 01:15 PM
A little girl approaches her father and asks
"Daddy why did you and mummy name me Petal?" To which the Father replies
"Well sweety, on the night that you were born a rose petal floated in the window and landed on your forehead, and so we named you Petal." The little girl is satisfied with this and goes on her way. She is soon replaced, however, by her sister Snowflake asking much the same question.
"Daddy, why did you and Mummy call me Snowflake?" To which the Father replies
"Well dear, on the night you were born a snowflake floated in the window and landed on your forehead and we decided to name you Snowflake".
Snowflake is happy with the story and runs along to play with Petal. She is immediately replaced by the third daughter who groans
"gurfadookablapticgarp?" To which the father replies
"Shut up Fridge!"
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My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
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a guy walks into a psychaitrists (sp?) office wearing glad wrap shorts, and the psychaiatrist says "well i can clearly see your nuts"
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this has been scientifically proven as the funniest joke ever
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
that'll do for now :D
The Dying Start
10-12-2008, 04:51 PM
Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot.
- Bill Bailey
strahanie
10-13-2008, 12:26 AM
three men walk into a bar - you'd think one of them would've seen it!
three men walk into a bar - you'd think one of them would've seen it!
:eek: I heard that joke today, but it was 2 blondes walking into a building :D HAhahaha
Kacky
10-13-2008, 12:53 AM
A horse walks into a bar, and the bar tender asks, "Why the long face?"
How do you know when you're too drunk to drive?
WHen you swerve to miss a tree and realise that its the fuckin' air freshner hanging from the rearview mirror
Going to watch my wedding video backwards later.
I love the final scene where she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle, jumps in the car and FUCKS OFF!
It's bed time
SMASH
12-18-2009, 12:57 AM
You probly already heard it but...
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above NewJersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, BillGates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began tofill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
The Dying Start
12-18-2009, 07:29 AM
Thread dredger!
Chovies
12-18-2009, 10:42 AM
A couple for the ladies....
Wanna hear a joke ?
Womans rights
Whats the usless area around a vagina called ?
The woman
:innocent:
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